A Growing Boy

Dear Mom,

You'd be surprised at how fast Logan's growing. He's already crawling now, and he's actually quite fast. He loves to crawl around to the kitchen sink and watch me do chores. He's also babbling a lot now. When I write this it makes me sad to think how much you're missing. You won't get to teach Logan how to make homemade Play-Doh. You won't get to attend his first birthday party, which is already being planned. You won't be at his first day of school or his last day of school. I know people will say that you're watching over him, or whatever, but that's not even close to the same thing. Having you be a part of his life was the plan. Having you be his "Grandma Ba" was the plan.

I have a confession to make... I looked on Facebook for the kid who was driving the truck that hit you. I know, it was a stupid decision. But I waited four months, so it wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I don't know what I expected to find out. This person is just a typical college kid, enjoying life at a state school. What I find odd is that there is literally no mention of this life-altering experience. No, Facebook may not be the medium of choice for venting one's frustrations or sharing information. However, you'd think something abnormal would come across the radar in someone's profile. Nothing. Nothing? Nothing?! I'm trying so hard not to judge this person, but, had I been in those shoes, my life would have been forever changed. I don't know what I thought would be an appropriate Facebook post... Maybe something along the lines of "tough day?" But there's nothing. It just baffles me - and from the outside, for those of you that read my posts, it will be easy to come up with some excuse or rational explanation, but just think about how your life would change had you been involved in a fatal accident that took the lives of two people. Would you go on with your life as though nothing had changed? Would you update three days later about some pointless crap? Three days after my mom's death I was updating Facebook with the details of her funeral. Three days later my brother and I were going through piles of papers, forms, and statements so that we could find a way to pay for her funeral. I know that if I were involved in some kind of accident that took the life of another person (let alone two people), I would be so shaken and upset that I would hardly know which way was up.

Sigh... this post took a completely different course than I had intended. It wasn't the plan for me to become so upset and agitated at things I can't control. It wasn't the plan for me to share how angry I still am. It wasn't the plan for any of this to happen, was it?

Autumn has arrived

Dear Mom,

Autumn has arrived. I don't know why I'm telling you that, but it's just odd to me that we've entered a whole other season. Three months you've been gone now... and time still continues on. The world doesn't stop, although it certainly feels like it on "those days."

I had to go over to the house last weekend to look for some plates. Do you know where they are? They're the "German" ones (although Aunt Debbie says they're actually from Canada) from Grandma. I can't imagine where they would be since I have half the set here already. Everytime I go over to the house, which has literally been twice in three months, I feel like I need to take this or that with me. Everything in there has a meaning or story. I could literally recite a little tidbit about each item in that house. It's hard to NOT want to just take everything, but holding onto "stuff" won't bring you back, no matter how much I wish it were so.

You'd be proud to see how big Logan's getting. He's crawling now. We purchased his first Halloween costume, which I know you would hate because it was so expensive. But it's his first Halloween and the costume is absolutely adorable, so why not? I just can't fathom how much he, and everyone really, has changed since you left us. Some days it seems like a lifetime ago, while others it feels like yesterday.

I still find myself "forgetting" that you're gone. It's like that brief second where I think I'll call or see you, but then realize that will never happen again. It's hard. It really is. I never thought I'd be without you in my life at only 27. I've learned to do more on my own now, whereas I used to call and ask you. I still don't cook, though, which I'm sure pisses you off.

Hamilton Co. sheriff's department said that the crash report would be done on Monday. I don't know how I feel about that... Obviously I'm glad to have it done and behind us, but it will be hard to NOT read it. And honestly I don't want to read it. I don't want to look at the pictures. I don't want to read witness statements giving me a second-hand account of how you died. But how can I not when it's right in front of me? I'm actually nervous about it... as though Monday brings some monumental decision. It doesn't. It just brings all the pain and sadness back from where I've locked it away.

I still have my days where I feel so disconnected to the world. I wonder what the purpose is. I wonder why we have to go through this. I wonder if there's anything after, and if so, what is it? I wonder about stupid things, like if you get remarried because your spouse dies, do you have two spouses in heaven? How does everyone get along? Is it crowded there? It must be. People have been dying since the dawn of time, so there are lots and lots of people around, right? Thinking about this stuff makes me feel so small and unimportant. It makes me realize that things I used to worry about aren't even a blip on my worry radar now. It makes me feel like I'm just going through the emotions because why try any harder than I have to just to get by? None of this will matter in the end... While that does sound apathetic, it also pushes me to make my time here meaningful. Am I really doing what I ought to be doing? Am I using the talents God gave me to my best ability? I often don't think so. I feel pushed to do something else, to search for that one thing that will make me feel a little bigger and more important. Mostly I feel pushed to take control of my own happiness and success. I'm tired of having things dictated to me. This is how I should be as a wife. This is how I should be as a teacher. I really think I need to lead the way to my own happiness. Nobody else is going to "fix" me. And, to be honest, I can't fix myself. Not where I am now. I'm stifled and choked with policies, rules, and trivial expectations. My creativity is beaten down and my personality is locked away. Instead I've become someone who is angry, bitter, and cynical. Not only has this become my coping mechanism, but it has also become a way to deal with me feeling that I'm not being heard. I have amazing ideas. I am innovative and creative. I need to know that I'm valued, nurtured in my profession, and cultivated to be a leader or part of the leading body. I just feel like there's more for me and I'm not quite sure where to look just yet...

It's been a long time... Since you went away...

Dear Mom,

I've been horrible about updating recently, but things have just been hectic. I'd occassionally have these kind of weeks before, where I would go days without talking to you. Finally you'd either show up unannounced at the house or offer to take me for dinner to clear my head of the cluttered funk. Now I just stay buried beneath the mess of my life, the mess of work, and the mess of my mind. It's easier that way than to feel anything.

This past week was rough. Not only was it the tenth anniversary of 9/11, but our water heater also leaked all over the basement, where I had your things stored. So Adam spent his Sunday installing a new water heater, while I tried not to break down at the thought of losing the precious items I dragged from your house four months ago. I became angry, angry that I was feeling sad, yet again, over things I can't control. I can't control that the boxes were ruined and lots of the items were soaked. I was angry because I was forced to look at those things again - the things that had meant so much to my grandmother, then you, and now me. I had stored all of those items downstairs so that I wouldn't have to see them every day. Even the big hutch didn't have any of your things in it; instead I had loaded it with our DVD collection. But now that the floor is still drying and the boxes are falling apart, I am forced to decorate with heirlooms that I wasn't supposed to get for another 20 to 30 years. Now these items are everywhere, set out to remind me of what I've gained since I lost you.

These days I sometimes find myself feeling, just for the briefest moment, a flutter of hope that none of this is real. That I've been dreaming and you're not really gone. Then I quickly snap back into reality and realize that you've been gone for almost four months. Four months since the worst day of my life. And even now, just writing about it, brings up all the pain and sadness that I've stifled since my last entry. I try so hard to bury it all so that it doesn't come out during a difficult moment of stress of anger. I don't want people to see this side of me, the side that is so vulnerable and broken that I don't know if I'll ever be fixed. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or my situation. I don't want people to feel awkward and uncomfortable around me. So instead of talking about it, even just for a second, I have taken to locking it deep inside. Deep down I'm afraid that if I let it out, even for one second to discuss the pain and heartbreak, I'll never be the same person to the listener. Everything else in my life has changed, but I need to remain constant in the eyes of others.

So I keep busy. I bog myself down at work with anything and everything. When I come home, I refuse to sit down unless it's to watch Logan for a moment. Once Logan's in bed, I avoid my husband because I'm afraid that any form of affection is going to break me. I've welded my armor shut and can't let anything in, for fear I'll never get it closed again.

Even now, as I write this and let my emotions spill out, I reign in my sadness and pain and tuck it back into myself. But that doesn't mean I don't feel it anymore; it just means that I've become that much better at hiding myself from everyone else.