Autumn has arrived

Dear Mom,

Autumn has arrived. I don't know why I'm telling you that, but it's just odd to me that we've entered a whole other season. Three months you've been gone now... and time still continues on. The world doesn't stop, although it certainly feels like it on "those days."

I had to go over to the house last weekend to look for some plates. Do you know where they are? They're the "German" ones (although Aunt Debbie says they're actually from Canada) from Grandma. I can't imagine where they would be since I have half the set here already. Everytime I go over to the house, which has literally been twice in three months, I feel like I need to take this or that with me. Everything in there has a meaning or story. I could literally recite a little tidbit about each item in that house. It's hard to NOT want to just take everything, but holding onto "stuff" won't bring you back, no matter how much I wish it were so.

You'd be proud to see how big Logan's getting. He's crawling now. We purchased his first Halloween costume, which I know you would hate because it was so expensive. But it's his first Halloween and the costume is absolutely adorable, so why not? I just can't fathom how much he, and everyone really, has changed since you left us. Some days it seems like a lifetime ago, while others it feels like yesterday.

I still find myself "forgetting" that you're gone. It's like that brief second where I think I'll call or see you, but then realize that will never happen again. It's hard. It really is. I never thought I'd be without you in my life at only 27. I've learned to do more on my own now, whereas I used to call and ask you. I still don't cook, though, which I'm sure pisses you off.

Hamilton Co. sheriff's department said that the crash report would be done on Monday. I don't know how I feel about that... Obviously I'm glad to have it done and behind us, but it will be hard to NOT read it. And honestly I don't want to read it. I don't want to look at the pictures. I don't want to read witness statements giving me a second-hand account of how you died. But how can I not when it's right in front of me? I'm actually nervous about it... as though Monday brings some monumental decision. It doesn't. It just brings all the pain and sadness back from where I've locked it away.

I still have my days where I feel so disconnected to the world. I wonder what the purpose is. I wonder why we have to go through this. I wonder if there's anything after, and if so, what is it? I wonder about stupid things, like if you get remarried because your spouse dies, do you have two spouses in heaven? How does everyone get along? Is it crowded there? It must be. People have been dying since the dawn of time, so there are lots and lots of people around, right? Thinking about this stuff makes me feel so small and unimportant. It makes me realize that things I used to worry about aren't even a blip on my worry radar now. It makes me feel like I'm just going through the emotions because why try any harder than I have to just to get by? None of this will matter in the end... While that does sound apathetic, it also pushes me to make my time here meaningful. Am I really doing what I ought to be doing? Am I using the talents God gave me to my best ability? I often don't think so. I feel pushed to do something else, to search for that one thing that will make me feel a little bigger and more important. Mostly I feel pushed to take control of my own happiness and success. I'm tired of having things dictated to me. This is how I should be as a wife. This is how I should be as a teacher. I really think I need to lead the way to my own happiness. Nobody else is going to "fix" me. And, to be honest, I can't fix myself. Not where I am now. I'm stifled and choked with policies, rules, and trivial expectations. My creativity is beaten down and my personality is locked away. Instead I've become someone who is angry, bitter, and cynical. Not only has this become my coping mechanism, but it has also become a way to deal with me feeling that I'm not being heard. I have amazing ideas. I am innovative and creative. I need to know that I'm valued, nurtured in my profession, and cultivated to be a leader or part of the leading body. I just feel like there's more for me and I'm not quite sure where to look just yet...