A Growing Boy

Dear Mom,

You'd be surprised at how fast Logan's growing. He's already crawling now, and he's actually quite fast. He loves to crawl around to the kitchen sink and watch me do chores. He's also babbling a lot now. When I write this it makes me sad to think how much you're missing. You won't get to teach Logan how to make homemade Play-Doh. You won't get to attend his first birthday party, which is already being planned. You won't be at his first day of school or his last day of school. I know people will say that you're watching over him, or whatever, but that's not even close to the same thing. Having you be a part of his life was the plan. Having you be his "Grandma Ba" was the plan.

I have a confession to make... I looked on Facebook for the kid who was driving the truck that hit you. I know, it was a stupid decision. But I waited four months, so it wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I don't know what I expected to find out. This person is just a typical college kid, enjoying life at a state school. What I find odd is that there is literally no mention of this life-altering experience. No, Facebook may not be the medium of choice for venting one's frustrations or sharing information. However, you'd think something abnormal would come across the radar in someone's profile. Nothing. Nothing? Nothing?! I'm trying so hard not to judge this person, but, had I been in those shoes, my life would have been forever changed. I don't know what I thought would be an appropriate Facebook post... Maybe something along the lines of "tough day?" But there's nothing. It just baffles me - and from the outside, for those of you that read my posts, it will be easy to come up with some excuse or rational explanation, but just think about how your life would change had you been involved in a fatal accident that took the lives of two people. Would you go on with your life as though nothing had changed? Would you update three days later about some pointless crap? Three days after my mom's death I was updating Facebook with the details of her funeral. Three days later my brother and I were going through piles of papers, forms, and statements so that we could find a way to pay for her funeral. I know that if I were involved in some kind of accident that took the life of another person (let alone two people), I would be so shaken and upset that I would hardly know which way was up.

Sigh... this post took a completely different course than I had intended. It wasn't the plan for me to become so upset and agitated at things I can't control. It wasn't the plan for me to share how angry I still am. It wasn't the plan for any of this to happen, was it?