One of the hardest days of my life

Dear Mom,

I've avoided writing for so long. I just didn't want to think about any of this. For a while I was doing well - surviving, dealing with life, and keeping busy. I didn't avoid my feelings. But, after getting so used to it, I guess I "fell off the wagon." I stopped writing. I stopped dealing with it. Instead, I focused solely on work and not on anything that involved feeling or emotion. Looks like that worked out well. (sarcasm)

October was a tough month. I spent my 28th birthday without you. For the first time in memory, I didn't have my mom to take me shopping. Do you remember that we would do that every year? You refused to get me gift cards, and now I know it was so that we could spend a day together. Looking back now, it meant so much to me to have those memories. Now I know that it a tradition I will want to carry on with Logan. But, even so, it didn't make my birthday any easier, knowing that I didn't realize last year's shopping trip would be the last one for us.

You missed Logan's first Halloween, in which he dressed up as a monkey. We would have gone over to your house to "trick-or-treat."

You missed hearing about my first real business trip; the first time I ever traveled alone (without family). Logan had to spend four days with Adam's parents. We couldn't really ask anyone else to inconvenience their lives for four days to help us out...

Tomorrow you'll miss Logan's first birthday party. Monday you'll miss his first haircut, on his actual birthday.

And this is what I've been avoiding for almost two months. I've been avoiding thinking of all you're missing.