146th and Gray Rd.

Dear Mom,

Yesterday I was able to get out of the house, by myself, for a few hours. As you know that doesn't happen often with a rambunctious 8 month old and a husband who works midnights. Adam and I had purchased some cabinet knobs from World Market and were a few short, so I had to run up to Carmel. I then shot over to Hobby Lobby, at 146th and 31. Of course the traffic up there is crazy, and I didn't want to sit in line with a bunch of minivans, so I headed east down 146th, unaware that I would drive through the intersection where you were killed.

I didn't immediately realize, or put two-and-two together, until I was a few blocks away. By then it was too late to turn around. On top of that, I didn't want to avoid and run away from a stupid intersection. My blood did run cold, so to speak, when I realized where I was headed. It was like that feeling when you see red and blue cop lights in your rearview mirror. Of course when I did pull up, the light was red, so I had to sit and wait for a minute or so. I remember looking around, as though there was going to be some remnant of June 17th left behind. I was analyzing every little scrap on the ground. "There's a shiny metal thing over there. Was it part of the motorcycle?" "What's that? Was it here 5 weeks ago?" Then, of course, the light turned red and I went on my way.

The entire time I sat at that light, which felt like much longer than under a minute, I kept thinking that maybe I would feel your presence. Maybe I would feel a connection. I don't know what I thought I would feel... but I didn't really feel anything. Yes, it was tense and no, I do not want to go back there in the near future, but I didn't have a break down, which is positive I suppose. I think it helped that I had other errands to run, so I wasn't concentrating on the fact that I had inadvertantly driven by the place where my mother was killed.

Later that night I told Adam. He shared that, when we went to Carmel a few days ago, he purposefully took us through Clay Terrace, the outdoor mall with lots of traffic and completely out of the way, in order to avoid going by the crash site. I hadn't even realized, but felt that it was really thoughtful of him. He may not remember his ATM pin number, but he did remember and think ahead on that one. Pretty impressive.

Oh, and when we were at Wal-Mart today getting food for the dogs, I saw a lady that reminded me so much of you. She had a ton of things, but no cart or basket. She was just carrying it all in her arms. There were at least three bags of chips in her tight grip, among other things. We ended up crossing paths with her a few times. It was strange, but she reminded me of how you used to do the same thing. You'd run into Marsh and say that we only had to grab a few things. I would try to get a basket or cart, but you'd swear that we wouldn't need it. By the time we walked to the checkout, not only would your arms be full, but mine would too. There would definitely be enough for a cart, but you would never get one. Anyway, apparently you aren't the only "I don't need a basket or cart" shopper.

It's funny how something silly like that reminds me of you... But it's definitely something each and every day that makes me remember a story or quirk of yours.