One month

It has been just a little over one month since my mom passed away. I'm hoping to update this blog frequently as I attempt to understand the hows, whys, and heal.

A link to one of the many news stories from that day can be found here: http://www.wishtv.com/dpp/news/local/hamilton_county/2-die-in-motorcycle-vs-box-truck-crash

Most of all these days I wonder...
Where has she gone? Is she in Heaven? Where is Heaven? Can she see me? Does she watch and guide me? Does she send me signs and messages? Is God real? Is Heaven real? If so, where are they? If not, then where is my mom? Is she simply gone, buried and tossed away like a broken appliance? Humans are mechanical, right? What makes us different than a broken washer? Yes, we can feel and think... but does that really matter in the long run? If an animal dies, does it go to Heaven because it can feel and think too? These kinds of thoughts give me such a heart-stopping fear that I have to immediately move to something else - whether housework or some other menial task, just so I won't think. To think that she is just gone, that there is nothing else is...

Morbidly I wonder...
Did she feel pain? What was her last thought? Did she think about me, my son, and my brother? What did she feel? My mind runs the crash over and over, as though I was a spirit above, hovering. It's almost like slow motion, and makes me so heart sick that I can't breathe. These kind of thoughts debilitate me. They stop me cold in my tracks and consume me. I can't move or speak until I've gone through the whole imaginary scenario in my head - from start to finish. And what good does it do?

I wonder about signs...
The fact that I prayed to her, "Show me a sign. Show me that you are here. Show me that I'm not alone," and the next day my son started saying, "Momomomomom." Is that a sign? Or was he going to say that anyway because he was developmentally ready?
When I was at the doctor's office, waiting for the physician, sitting across the room from my purse, and suddenly David Gray's "Please Forgive Me" blasted from my iPod, loud enough for me to hear across the small room. Was that her telling me she's sorry to have left us? Or was my wallet putting pressure on the button that eventually turned the volume up loud enough for me to hear?
When I reached into a pile of my son's bibs, and while tossing them around in their basket, mentally asked my mom to make me pick out an "I love grandma" one, which I then did... Was it my mom sending me a sign or was that particular bib within my grasp?

Everything could be a sign. All these "signs" could simply be chance. Maybe there is no higher power controlling which bib I pick up. It was just there and I selected it randomly from a basket, giving it more meaning than an inanimate object could ever possess.

I don't know anything anymore. I'm unsure and feel lost. Misguided. Turned upside down and left alone to figure out which way is up.

One thing I do know is that I miss her with a pain that is so intense I do not know how I'm able to survive. There is a hole in my heart, so how am I still alive?