Dear Mom,
I tried to write another post, but I just couldn't. I broke down. This has been building up all week. I wish so much that you were here. I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Throwing myself into anything and everything just so I don't have to think about you just isn't working. By the end of the day I'm so exhausted and drained that I feel close to snapping.
I don't know if it's possible to convey in words how painful it is to wish for one last hug, one last moment with the person who gave you life, and to know that it's impossible. I try so hard to keep going, living my life how I was before, but nothing's the same. Everything has changed.
It's hard to realize that one's life will forever be measured by one event, but this is how my life will be. There will be the time before June 17, 2011, and the time after. My whole world literally was turned upside down.
On top of realizing this, I don't feel that I have a grip at all on any aspect of my professional life. I'm just going through the motions, trying to keep my head above water. I'm treading because I thought that would keep me busy, keep my mind off of everything. But I'm tired of treading. I'm questioning why I started treading in the first place. I'm questioning why I'm still treading, when I'm clearly not happy. I ask myself daily, "Why are you still treading when you don't have to?" I know radically changing my entire path in life is not ideal, but I feel that my path has already been detoured by a mudslide, an avalanche, and a flood. Now I've picked it up again on the other side, but I'm unsure if this is the right direction for me.
I know that's a lot of hidden messages, but those who know will understand exactly what I'm writing about. Basically I don't know what I'm doing, so why keep doing it...?
I wish you were here to give me advice. But, if you were here, I wouldn't be in this situation. I'd still be treading because I had to in order to survive. There would be no other paths, no other options.
I used to hate having fewer options. It made me feel stuck. Now I'd give anything to have only the one, keep treading.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
A Rainbow
Dear Mom,
Last week I read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It's the story of a little boy who undergoes surgery and has an out-of-body experience where he goes to Heaven. A friend had recommended the book and, being that I've been searching for answers, I felt compelled to read it. The little boy shares his experience with his dad, and the reader learns a little bit about this child's version of Heaven.
One of the most interesting things the little boy saw were rainbows. As I was reading and later, when I had finished, thinking about it all, I made yet another "ultimatum" with God. In my head I said, "I haven't seen a rainbow in a long time. If I see a rainbow tomorrow, I'll know that God exists." The next day Adam, Logan, and I went to Edinburgh to the outlets. We did lots of shopping and were outside quite a bit, but, to be honest, I had forgotten about my ultimatum.
Later that evening, after Logan was put to bed, I was on one of my favorite websites, Pinterest. I was scrolling through the most recently pinned images, and, lo and behold, there was a picture of a rainbow. I instantly stopped and remembered what I had asked for the previous day...
Now, being my normal cynical self, I later started analyzing what I had seen to, again, disprove my faith.
1) That is not actually a picture of a rainbow. It's a moonbow.
2) Does a moonbow image on a computer even count?
3) It could've been just a random coincidence.
And then I realized that I continually try to discount the signs I've been given. The bibs. Logan saying "mom" just days after my mom passed. Now this. How many times will I ask for signs and then ignore them? I guess it's in my nature to question everything. It is hard to really believe in something that I can't see, especially with all the bad in the world. But I began to realize that I have to stop asking if I'm just going to blow it off as a mere coincidence.
I still don't have the answers I'm looking for, and I probably never will, but at least, for that moment, I was comforted knowing that you are still out there and someone is looking out for me here.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Wise Women
Dear Mom,
I'd like to share with you the story of some wise women that I've come to know better since your passing. These women have really helped me feel supported and not so alone. They've shared their own experiences and have just been inspirational to me...
The first is Sarah. She's a teacher I work with, but, since she's on the older side of the building, do not have much contact with. Earlier this year Sarah's younger brother passed away. I remember hearing about it through some of the other teachers and just feeling so helpless to offer any kind of support, encouragement, or words of strength. I'd never really lost anyone close to me before their time. When she returned to work I remember seeing her at a staff meeting and telling her that I was glad she was back and that I was thinking of her and her family. I'm sure she heard it from everyone... Well, yesterday Sarah came up to me during dismissal and handed me an envelope. I think I knew what was inside. It's almost like those of us who have lost someone so unexpectedly have some kind of common language (more about this in a moment). Anyway, her card, and the note inside, meant so much to me. She wrote about her experience with her brother's death just a few months ago, and shared that what I'm going through is completely normal, albeit painful. I feel so much better knowing that there won't always be this devastating pain whenever I think of you, Mom. Sarah's mom is a pastor, and I have been (I literally just wrote dying and then erased it) wanting to ask her about her views on Heaven and religion in general. I hope that, as we help each other through this school year, I can be more comfortable speaking about this stuff, rather than just writing it...
The second wise woman I've come to appreciate is a senior named Donna. I don't know what it is about this girl, but she just gets it. She's so wise beyond her years. I don't know what experiences she's had with death, but she recommended I read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, which I've nearly devoured in four short hours. The fact that she would reach out to a teacher and share her views is great. I can definitely learn something from Donna as well. Kids (or young people, whatever you want to call someone who's 10 years younger than me) tend to see the world differently than us cynical adults. As a kid I never questioned my beliefs. Now I can't seem to stop. I suppose there are good and bad reasons to question religion, but I am glad that Donna is so strong in her convictions and can remain optimistic about our purpose here. Not many people, especially teenagers, can do that in our society.
The third woman I've found to be a life-saver is Jen. She is an online friend that I met over a year ago when I joined an online community for pregnancy. We've since become Facebook friends. When you passed away, I began sharing and Jen immediately shared her story. Her mother was killed in an automobile accident when Jen was just 13. I can't even imagine losing your mother at such an important age. Jen told me that, since then, every important event (her wedding, graduation, etc.) has had rainy weather. She feels that this is her mother's way of communicating and showing her presence at these events, in spirit if not in person. Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to communicate with me, to let me know that you're here. I always second-guess myself, which is why I really appreciated Jen's experiences. In the past month or so I've noticed that, when Logan and I are playing in his room, he often looks out the door and focuses for moments on the ceiling above the stairwell. There is a light there, but it is never turned on when we play, as it is in the afternoon and enough natural light comes through the windows. In my gut I've always felt that Logan has been able to "sense" you watching us play. But I don't know, maybe he's just really into unlit light fixtures... Jen was really the first person to reach out to me and share her story. As I told her, it's like a special club that we belong to. Nobody wants to join this club, and people start acting awkward around you once you're in. I think that's why I feel so connected to Jen and Sarah... they've been through this and have come out willing to help others who are deep in the beginning of the horrible experience.
The final person who has shared her wisdom is Jessica. We've worked together for several years now and have always been close. However, losing someone close to you so unexpectedly instantly brings you closer to others in the "club." During teacher week, Jessica and I went out to lunch and she shared the story of her best friend's death just a few years ago. Even though her loss was a few years back, she told me that there's not a day which goes by that she doesn't think of her. She, like the others, told me that there have been times when her best friend has "visited." Hearing so many people tell me about these visits does make me optimistic about the afterlife. Jessica also called me on my behavior as well. I do not feel comfortable showing any emotion in front of people. This is the main reason I am keeping this blog. Sharing this is, at times, hard. However, I want to be like the others who have helped me stay strong. Knowing that, at least these four friends are reading, makes me want to continue sharing, as they have done for me.
I'd like to share with you the story of some wise women that I've come to know better since your passing. These women have really helped me feel supported and not so alone. They've shared their own experiences and have just been inspirational to me...
The first is Sarah. She's a teacher I work with, but, since she's on the older side of the building, do not have much contact with. Earlier this year Sarah's younger brother passed away. I remember hearing about it through some of the other teachers and just feeling so helpless to offer any kind of support, encouragement, or words of strength. I'd never really lost anyone close to me before their time. When she returned to work I remember seeing her at a staff meeting and telling her that I was glad she was back and that I was thinking of her and her family. I'm sure she heard it from everyone... Well, yesterday Sarah came up to me during dismissal and handed me an envelope. I think I knew what was inside. It's almost like those of us who have lost someone so unexpectedly have some kind of common language (more about this in a moment). Anyway, her card, and the note inside, meant so much to me. She wrote about her experience with her brother's death just a few months ago, and shared that what I'm going through is completely normal, albeit painful. I feel so much better knowing that there won't always be this devastating pain whenever I think of you, Mom. Sarah's mom is a pastor, and I have been (I literally just wrote dying and then erased it) wanting to ask her about her views on Heaven and religion in general. I hope that, as we help each other through this school year, I can be more comfortable speaking about this stuff, rather than just writing it...
The second wise woman I've come to appreciate is a senior named Donna. I don't know what it is about this girl, but she just gets it. She's so wise beyond her years. I don't know what experiences she's had with death, but she recommended I read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, which I've nearly devoured in four short hours. The fact that she would reach out to a teacher and share her views is great. I can definitely learn something from Donna as well. Kids (or young people, whatever you want to call someone who's 10 years younger than me) tend to see the world differently than us cynical adults. As a kid I never questioned my beliefs. Now I can't seem to stop. I suppose there are good and bad reasons to question religion, but I am glad that Donna is so strong in her convictions and can remain optimistic about our purpose here. Not many people, especially teenagers, can do that in our society.
The third woman I've found to be a life-saver is Jen. She is an online friend that I met over a year ago when I joined an online community for pregnancy. We've since become Facebook friends. When you passed away, I began sharing and Jen immediately shared her story. Her mother was killed in an automobile accident when Jen was just 13. I can't even imagine losing your mother at such an important age. Jen told me that, since then, every important event (her wedding, graduation, etc.) has had rainy weather. She feels that this is her mother's way of communicating and showing her presence at these events, in spirit if not in person. Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to communicate with me, to let me know that you're here. I always second-guess myself, which is why I really appreciated Jen's experiences. In the past month or so I've noticed that, when Logan and I are playing in his room, he often looks out the door and focuses for moments on the ceiling above the stairwell. There is a light there, but it is never turned on when we play, as it is in the afternoon and enough natural light comes through the windows. In my gut I've always felt that Logan has been able to "sense" you watching us play. But I don't know, maybe he's just really into unlit light fixtures... Jen was really the first person to reach out to me and share her story. As I told her, it's like a special club that we belong to. Nobody wants to join this club, and people start acting awkward around you once you're in. I think that's why I feel so connected to Jen and Sarah... they've been through this and have come out willing to help others who are deep in the beginning of the horrible experience.
The final person who has shared her wisdom is Jessica. We've worked together for several years now and have always been close. However, losing someone close to you so unexpectedly instantly brings you closer to others in the "club." During teacher week, Jessica and I went out to lunch and she shared the story of her best friend's death just a few years ago. Even though her loss was a few years back, she told me that there's not a day which goes by that she doesn't think of her. She, like the others, told me that there have been times when her best friend has "visited." Hearing so many people tell me about these visits does make me optimistic about the afterlife. Jessica also called me on my behavior as well. I do not feel comfortable showing any emotion in front of people. This is the main reason I am keeping this blog. Sharing this is, at times, hard. However, I want to be like the others who have helped me stay strong. Knowing that, at least these four friends are reading, makes me want to continue sharing, as they have done for me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
2 Months Exactly
It has been exactly two months since you left. Everything still seems surreal... and definitely much longer than two months.
My last post was pretty abrupt. I don't mean to say that I don't care about anything anymore. I mean to say that this whole ordeal has brought up so many questions about life and the purpose of it all. It's hard to focus, concentrate, and give a damn when I'm wondering if there is a Heaven... if God does exist... It's hard to stay positive and upbeat when there are these huge questions looming over me all the time. I wish I had answers. I wish I had some strong sense of faith, but I don't. I've always been the type to question everything, even if there's hard evidence to back it up. So, having no evidence at all, makes accepting a belief that much harder.
Where do we go when we die? What happens? Is everything predetermined? Is there even a God?
So when I put things into perspective, yes, it is a little hard to be the same person I was a year ago, or even three months ago. The closest person I had ever lost was my grandmother, who lived a full life and passed at 84. While her passing was definitely sad and painful, I felt content knowing that she was no longer in pain and had lived to see her children and grandchildren grown. Not exactly the same as a horrible accident at the age of 53, just six months after becoming a grandparent for the first time.
I just don't know what the purpose is anymore. What's the point? So I am here for a short time, procreate, get attached to people, then just leave? What's next? And, for that matter, what's AFTER the next phase? Does it just keep going?
I have no clue what I believe in anymore... I just don't think I can follow something blindly, hoping that it will all make sense in the end. This isn't some kind of TV show, like Lost, where I'm hanging at the end of the season. This is life... and it's really hard to give a damn when you have no idea why you're doing any of this in the first place.
My last post was pretty abrupt. I don't mean to say that I don't care about anything anymore. I mean to say that this whole ordeal has brought up so many questions about life and the purpose of it all. It's hard to focus, concentrate, and give a damn when I'm wondering if there is a Heaven... if God does exist... It's hard to stay positive and upbeat when there are these huge questions looming over me all the time. I wish I had answers. I wish I had some strong sense of faith, but I don't. I've always been the type to question everything, even if there's hard evidence to back it up. So, having no evidence at all, makes accepting a belief that much harder.
Where do we go when we die? What happens? Is everything predetermined? Is there even a God?
So when I put things into perspective, yes, it is a little hard to be the same person I was a year ago, or even three months ago. The closest person I had ever lost was my grandmother, who lived a full life and passed at 84. While her passing was definitely sad and painful, I felt content knowing that she was no longer in pain and had lived to see her children and grandchildren grown. Not exactly the same as a horrible accident at the age of 53, just six months after becoming a grandparent for the first time.
I just don't know what the purpose is anymore. What's the point? So I am here for a short time, procreate, get attached to people, then just leave? What's next? And, for that matter, what's AFTER the next phase? Does it just keep going?
I have no clue what I believe in anymore... I just don't think I can follow something blindly, hoping that it will all make sense in the end. This isn't some kind of TV show, like Lost, where I'm hanging at the end of the season. This is life... and it's really hard to give a damn when you have no idea why you're doing any of this in the first place.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Reality Doesn't Slow Down for Anyone
Dear Mom,
My first week back to school and I'm doing pretty well, albeit tired. You'd be glad to know that I only have 17 kids. Almost double the number of boys than girls; just like last year. When I'm at work, Adam watches Logan in the morning and then takes him to day care at one p.m. I pick him up after work. It's the church right around the corner and we really like it there. Yesterday Adam had a training all day, so Aunt Debbie offered to watch Logan in the morning and then dropped him off at day care for us. She said that Aiden and Andrew were calling Logan "cuz," which is just adorable. Did you know they'll all go to the same elementary?
I can't believe how much Logan's changed in just a few short months. He's so much taller now and so skinny - no baby fat or rolls at all. He's got lots of teeth and can crawl in a circle and scoot backwards.
Yesterday we took Logan and the dogs for a walk. We bought the pups a double leash, so it's much easier to walk with them. Do you remember when we walked all the way to Subway last year with them? I wonder, sometimes, if they miss you too.
Your co-worker Lorie helped me out by buying my students some school supplies. It was really sweet of her. I remember when we all went to Sahm's Bar and Grill. Lorie and I were joking about you having to move your office into the file room. It reminded me of Milton Wadams from Office Space.
Some days I still can't believe that all this has happened. It's like I still think I might wake up from this horrible dream. But then I remember that it's not a dream and that I've lost my mom, my very first best friend. It's still so hard and I wonder if it will ever get easier. I really don't know how anyone survives a loss like this. It's been almost two months and I am still in such pain that it just seems never-ending. Deep down I'm just so unhappy. I'm miserable. I really think the only thing that keeps me going is Logan. If it wasn't for him I don't think I'd get out of bed anymore. I think the pain would engulf me and stop me from living. Even now it's so easy to feel like I'm on the edge of complete depression. I feel like I'm teetering, and every day it's so easy to feed those negative feelings. By the end of the day I'm so mentally exhausted that I can't even function. My attitude, even during the day, is horrible. I find myself not caring about anything. I act like I do, but I don't. I don't care about my students. I have no connection to them this year, whereas last year I adored my class. I don't care to make friends with most of the new staff, whereas last year I was pretty social. I'm just going through the motions and trying not to get fired (honestly), but even that wouldn't really bother me. I really just don't care. The only reason I'm even still working is because I need something to take the focus off of my situation. I know I can't just sit around the house, but I can just go through the motions without any real feeling.
I think when you left us you took a piece of me with you. Without that piece I'll never be whole again. I'll never be the person I was... I miss that person. I didn't have to worry about all this estate and attorney stuff. I didn't have to go through the day being reminded that I no longer have my mom in my life. I had someone to talk to and call, someone to understand me and comfort me day or night. Now that you've taken that piece, I am only here. I'm not truly present in the moment. It's like when crabs and other sea creatures move from shell to shell as they grow larger. I'm an empty shell that's been left behind because a part of me has gone. Sometimes those shells will be filled anew, but more than likely they wash up on the shore, discarded and broken. Oh, how I wish you didn't leave me...
My first week back to school and I'm doing pretty well, albeit tired. You'd be glad to know that I only have 17 kids. Almost double the number of boys than girls; just like last year. When I'm at work, Adam watches Logan in the morning and then takes him to day care at one p.m. I pick him up after work. It's the church right around the corner and we really like it there. Yesterday Adam had a training all day, so Aunt Debbie offered to watch Logan in the morning and then dropped him off at day care for us. She said that Aiden and Andrew were calling Logan "cuz," which is just adorable. Did you know they'll all go to the same elementary?
I can't believe how much Logan's changed in just a few short months. He's so much taller now and so skinny - no baby fat or rolls at all. He's got lots of teeth and can crawl in a circle and scoot backwards.
Yesterday we took Logan and the dogs for a walk. We bought the pups a double leash, so it's much easier to walk with them. Do you remember when we walked all the way to Subway last year with them? I wonder, sometimes, if they miss you too.
Your co-worker Lorie helped me out by buying my students some school supplies. It was really sweet of her. I remember when we all went to Sahm's Bar and Grill. Lorie and I were joking about you having to move your office into the file room. It reminded me of Milton Wadams from Office Space.
Some days I still can't believe that all this has happened. It's like I still think I might wake up from this horrible dream. But then I remember that it's not a dream and that I've lost my mom, my very first best friend. It's still so hard and I wonder if it will ever get easier. I really don't know how anyone survives a loss like this. It's been almost two months and I am still in such pain that it just seems never-ending. Deep down I'm just so unhappy. I'm miserable. I really think the only thing that keeps me going is Logan. If it wasn't for him I don't think I'd get out of bed anymore. I think the pain would engulf me and stop me from living. Even now it's so easy to feel like I'm on the edge of complete depression. I feel like I'm teetering, and every day it's so easy to feed those negative feelings. By the end of the day I'm so mentally exhausted that I can't even function. My attitude, even during the day, is horrible. I find myself not caring about anything. I act like I do, but I don't. I don't care about my students. I have no connection to them this year, whereas last year I adored my class. I don't care to make friends with most of the new staff, whereas last year I was pretty social. I'm just going through the motions and trying not to get fired (honestly), but even that wouldn't really bother me. I really just don't care. The only reason I'm even still working is because I need something to take the focus off of my situation. I know I can't just sit around the house, but I can just go through the motions without any real feeling.
I think when you left us you took a piece of me with you. Without that piece I'll never be whole again. I'll never be the person I was... I miss that person. I didn't have to worry about all this estate and attorney stuff. I didn't have to go through the day being reminded that I no longer have my mom in my life. I had someone to talk to and call, someone to understand me and comfort me day or night. Now that you've taken that piece, I am only here. I'm not truly present in the moment. It's like when crabs and other sea creatures move from shell to shell as they grow larger. I'm an empty shell that's been left behind because a part of me has gone. Sometimes those shells will be filled anew, but more than likely they wash up on the shore, discarded and broken. Oh, how I wish you didn't leave me...
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Dealing with it? Not so much.
Mom,
I'm sick and tired of all this. I'm tired of having to call various companies (mortgage, car lease, utilities, etc.) and explain why the bill hasn't been paid. There are so many places to call and each time it takes three times as long as it should. I have to go through the stupid automated system to finally speak with some asshole who is rude every single time. Often I get someone who has no idea what the protocol is for a death. I have faxed a copy of your death certificate to just about everyone. The mortgage company claimed they never received it three times. Then they had me make up and fax a password. Why I couldn't do it over the phone, I have no idea. Not a single person has been helpful or even remotely decent to me. The insurance and mortgage people are the worst. Apparently to them we're just some numbers on a piece of paper. It hurts because not only do I have to call and explain myself over and over, but then there's just no emotion on their end. I just lost my mom and have no idea what I'm doing... couldn't you just go out of your way for a second to assist me in getting you the necessary paperwork? The worst was the car leasing company... They left a message, so I returned the call. The receptionist had NO IDEA who was handling the account and apparently didn't have a computer system to utilize. She literally said to me, "If you don't know the name of the person who called you, I can't help you." I had to wait for a few days until they called back before I could catch the representative's name.
The toughest, though, was yesterday's call. I had faxed paperwork to the mortgage company several times, and they kept claiming that it never went through. I faxed to TWO different numbers. Nothing. I called again to see if the paperwork had gone through from last week, and the guy on the phone was horribly rude. I told him that I had the transmission confirmations of all four faxes. I stated that all the other faxes I sent to other companies went through. I asked if he could help me out in any way, as I wasn't too excited to resend the paperwork again if it wasn't going to make it to the proper department. He was just so rude and told me that, "We're a company and everyone knows that a successful transmission notice doesn't mean it went through." I could tell he was getting irritated with me, but couldn't he imagine how I felt? I'm dealing with my mom's house and have sent you this paperwork MULTIPLE times. It's just disheartening to know that, sometimes, companies will just dick you around rather than help you out...
So after I hung up with the mortgage company asshole, I just broke down. I'm tired of having to deal with this. Every day I come home and there's a new stack of bills that have been forwarded from my mom's address. Each bill will take at least a 30 minute conversation and who knows what else... So instead of playing with my son or relaxing, I have to deal with these companies who could care less about me or my mom. I broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. I just needed to cry. It doesn't really make anything better, or different. I just needed to get the emotions out.
As I'm sitting there, sobbing all over my "first day of school" dress, my husband basically tells me to get up and go change into comfortable clothes and "man up". I know he was just trying to get my mind off of it, but, for the small time I actually let myself be sad and hurt, I need to be able to get it out and just be comforted. I just need to cry and be allowed to feel the pain. I already deny myself that enough. I hold it all in 90% of the time. But after a while I do break and it just has to come out. When I do allow myself to feel the pain, no matter for 5 minutes or just a few seconds, it is so unbearable that I also want to get over it and "man up" just so I don't have to feel anything again. But I can't because it's just so painful. It has to come out somehow and then I can function again... although hardly fully.
I'm sick and tired of all this. I'm tired of having to call various companies (mortgage, car lease, utilities, etc.) and explain why the bill hasn't been paid. There are so many places to call and each time it takes three times as long as it should. I have to go through the stupid automated system to finally speak with some asshole who is rude every single time. Often I get someone who has no idea what the protocol is for a death. I have faxed a copy of your death certificate to just about everyone. The mortgage company claimed they never received it three times. Then they had me make up and fax a password. Why I couldn't do it over the phone, I have no idea. Not a single person has been helpful or even remotely decent to me. The insurance and mortgage people are the worst. Apparently to them we're just some numbers on a piece of paper. It hurts because not only do I have to call and explain myself over and over, but then there's just no emotion on their end. I just lost my mom and have no idea what I'm doing... couldn't you just go out of your way for a second to assist me in getting you the necessary paperwork? The worst was the car leasing company... They left a message, so I returned the call. The receptionist had NO IDEA who was handling the account and apparently didn't have a computer system to utilize. She literally said to me, "If you don't know the name of the person who called you, I can't help you." I had to wait for a few days until they called back before I could catch the representative's name.
The toughest, though, was yesterday's call. I had faxed paperwork to the mortgage company several times, and they kept claiming that it never went through. I faxed to TWO different numbers. Nothing. I called again to see if the paperwork had gone through from last week, and the guy on the phone was horribly rude. I told him that I had the transmission confirmations of all four faxes. I stated that all the other faxes I sent to other companies went through. I asked if he could help me out in any way, as I wasn't too excited to resend the paperwork again if it wasn't going to make it to the proper department. He was just so rude and told me that, "We're a company and everyone knows that a successful transmission notice doesn't mean it went through." I could tell he was getting irritated with me, but couldn't he imagine how I felt? I'm dealing with my mom's house and have sent you this paperwork MULTIPLE times. It's just disheartening to know that, sometimes, companies will just dick you around rather than help you out...
So after I hung up with the mortgage company asshole, I just broke down. I'm tired of having to deal with this. Every day I come home and there's a new stack of bills that have been forwarded from my mom's address. Each bill will take at least a 30 minute conversation and who knows what else... So instead of playing with my son or relaxing, I have to deal with these companies who could care less about me or my mom. I broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. I just needed to cry. It doesn't really make anything better, or different. I just needed to get the emotions out.
As I'm sitting there, sobbing all over my "first day of school" dress, my husband basically tells me to get up and go change into comfortable clothes and "man up". I know he was just trying to get my mind off of it, but, for the small time I actually let myself be sad and hurt, I need to be able to get it out and just be comforted. I just need to cry and be allowed to feel the pain. I already deny myself that enough. I hold it all in 90% of the time. But after a while I do break and it just has to come out. When I do allow myself to feel the pain, no matter for 5 minutes or just a few seconds, it is so unbearable that I also want to get over it and "man up" just so I don't have to feel anything again. But I can't because it's just so painful. It has to come out somehow and then I can function again... although hardly fully.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Avoidance and More Avoidance
Dear Mom,
I've gotten to the point where I almost avoid talking about you again. Even now, writing this post, there are a million other things I find myself wanting to do just so I can avoid writing and thinking. Thinking about you makes me so sad. It's not the kind of sadness when you watch a sappy movie. It's not the kind of sadness when you hear of something awful on the news. This sadness is indescribable. There literally are no words to describe the depth of the sadness, and the pain that goes with it. I feel as though, if I let myself feel these emotions, I won't be able to recover. It would be so easy to just let it all go, but I just can't let myself feel that pain right now. So I keep focusing on other things so that I don't have to think about it...
I also find myself getting really short with people lately. Whether it be the people I work with or randoms in a store or elsewhere... I don't know why, but I just can't sympathize with the "oh poor me's" of every day life. I just want to scream out, "I don't care that things didn't go your way and now you're whining about it. I don't care that you are inconvenienced for two seconds by something that's not even a big deal. Don't you realize how lucky you are to be alive and have your family surrounding you? Don't you understand how fortunate you are not to have lost someone who meant more to you than words are able to express?"
Logan's crying for his bottle so I have to go now. I just wish you were here so much...
11:30 at night---
Today was such a long day at work, and reminded me of two years ago when, on our "open house" night at school, you ordered the entire staff pizza because the school wasn't feeding any of the teachers. When I got done meeting with parents tonight I wanted to call you so badly to tell you about my new room and how excited I am to have it finished. I wanted to just talk... So I called your cell phone, which went straight to voicemail. Your mailbox is full, so I wasn't even able to hear your voice. That's all I really wanted, just to hear your voice.
I just miss you so much. I've tried to think of words to describe these feelings, but it's indescribable. It's as though my heart was divided into thirds. There was a section for you, Adam, and Logan. Now that you're gone, my heart is only 66% full. There's nothing to fill that other third. It's empty, and no matter how much I try to fill it, nothing will fit.
I think about these things all day long. Whether I'm doing laundry or at work, I'm thinking of you and missing you. It's hard to go on pretending that I'm fine... If I smile enough and just avoid talking about it, people just pretend it never happened and don't bring it up. But deep down there is a pain and sadness that is the worst feeling I've ever experienced before. When I'm rested and have something to focus on, I'm usually able to soldier on and hold it together. But, like now, when I'm exhausted and focusing on writing this blog, the sadness becomes so unbearable.
I just don't know what to do. I would give anything to have you here for even one more minute. But I can't, and I don't understand. I don't understand what happens when you die. I don't understand why we're here and what's the point of life if we're just going to hurt and feel this sadness and emptiness inside. I don't understnad the purpose of anything anymore and I'm having a really hard time even believing in much these days... You were my rock, my anchor, and now you're gone and I'm just so lost, confused, and alone.
I've gotten to the point where I almost avoid talking about you again. Even now, writing this post, there are a million other things I find myself wanting to do just so I can avoid writing and thinking. Thinking about you makes me so sad. It's not the kind of sadness when you watch a sappy movie. It's not the kind of sadness when you hear of something awful on the news. This sadness is indescribable. There literally are no words to describe the depth of the sadness, and the pain that goes with it. I feel as though, if I let myself feel these emotions, I won't be able to recover. It would be so easy to just let it all go, but I just can't let myself feel that pain right now. So I keep focusing on other things so that I don't have to think about it...
I also find myself getting really short with people lately. Whether it be the people I work with or randoms in a store or elsewhere... I don't know why, but I just can't sympathize with the "oh poor me's" of every day life. I just want to scream out, "I don't care that things didn't go your way and now you're whining about it. I don't care that you are inconvenienced for two seconds by something that's not even a big deal. Don't you realize how lucky you are to be alive and have your family surrounding you? Don't you understand how fortunate you are not to have lost someone who meant more to you than words are able to express?"
Logan's crying for his bottle so I have to go now. I just wish you were here so much...
11:30 at night---
Today was such a long day at work, and reminded me of two years ago when, on our "open house" night at school, you ordered the entire staff pizza because the school wasn't feeding any of the teachers. When I got done meeting with parents tonight I wanted to call you so badly to tell you about my new room and how excited I am to have it finished. I wanted to just talk... So I called your cell phone, which went straight to voicemail. Your mailbox is full, so I wasn't even able to hear your voice. That's all I really wanted, just to hear your voice.
I just miss you so much. I've tried to think of words to describe these feelings, but it's indescribable. It's as though my heart was divided into thirds. There was a section for you, Adam, and Logan. Now that you're gone, my heart is only 66% full. There's nothing to fill that other third. It's empty, and no matter how much I try to fill it, nothing will fit.
I think about these things all day long. Whether I'm doing laundry or at work, I'm thinking of you and missing you. It's hard to go on pretending that I'm fine... If I smile enough and just avoid talking about it, people just pretend it never happened and don't bring it up. But deep down there is a pain and sadness that is the worst feeling I've ever experienced before. When I'm rested and have something to focus on, I'm usually able to soldier on and hold it together. But, like now, when I'm exhausted and focusing on writing this blog, the sadness becomes so unbearable.
I just don't know what to do. I would give anything to have you here for even one more minute. But I can't, and I don't understand. I don't understand what happens when you die. I don't understand why we're here and what's the point of life if we're just going to hurt and feel this sadness and emptiness inside. I don't understnad the purpose of anything anymore and I'm having a really hard time even believing in much these days... You were my rock, my anchor, and now you're gone and I'm just so lost, confused, and alone.
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