Avoidance and More Avoidance

Dear Mom,

I've gotten to the point where I almost avoid talking about you again. Even now, writing this post, there are a million other things I find myself wanting to do just so I can avoid writing and thinking. Thinking about you makes me so sad. It's not the kind of sadness when you watch a sappy movie. It's not the kind of sadness when you hear of something awful on the news. This sadness is indescribable. There literally are no words to describe the depth of the sadness, and the pain that goes with it. I feel as though, if I let myself feel these emotions, I won't be able to recover. It would be so easy to just let it all go, but I just can't let myself feel that pain right now. So I keep focusing on other things so that I don't have to think about it...

I also find myself getting really short with people lately. Whether it be the people I work with or randoms in a store or elsewhere... I don't know why, but I just can't sympathize with the "oh poor me's" of every day life. I just want to scream out, "I don't care that things didn't go your way and now you're whining about it. I don't care that you are inconvenienced for two seconds by something that's not even a big deal. Don't you realize how lucky you are to be alive and have your family surrounding you? Don't you understand how fortunate you are not to have lost someone who meant more to you than words are able to express?"

Logan's crying for his bottle so I have to go now. I just wish you were here so much...

11:30 at night---
Today was such a long day at work, and reminded me of two years ago when, on our "open house" night at school, you ordered the entire staff pizza because the school wasn't feeding any of the teachers. When I got done meeting with parents tonight I wanted to call you so badly to tell you about my new room and how excited I am to have it finished. I wanted to just talk... So I called your cell phone, which went straight to voicemail. Your mailbox is full, so I wasn't even able to hear your voice. That's all I really wanted, just to hear your voice.

I just miss you so much. I've tried to think of words to describe these feelings, but it's indescribable. It's as though my heart was divided into thirds. There was a section for you, Adam, and Logan. Now that you're gone, my heart is only 66% full. There's nothing to fill that other third. It's empty, and no matter how much I try to fill it, nothing will fit.

I think about these things all day long. Whether I'm doing laundry or at work, I'm thinking of you and missing you. It's hard to go on pretending that I'm fine... If I smile enough and just avoid talking about it, people just pretend it never happened and don't bring it up. But deep down there is a pain and sadness that is the worst feeling I've ever experienced before. When I'm rested and have something to focus on, I'm usually able to soldier on and hold it together. But, like now, when I'm exhausted and focusing on writing this blog, the sadness becomes so unbearable.

I just don't know what to do. I would give anything to have you here for even one more minute. But I can't, and I don't understand. I don't understand what happens when you die. I don't understand why we're here and what's the point of life if we're just going to hurt and feel this sadness and emptiness inside. I don't understnad the purpose of anything anymore and I'm having a really hard time even believing in much these days... You were my rock, my anchor, and now you're gone and I'm just so lost, confused, and alone.