Wise Women

Dear Mom,

I'd like to share with you the story of some wise women that I've come to know better since your passing. These women have really helped me feel supported and not so alone. They've shared their own experiences and have just been inspirational to me...

The first is Sarah. She's a teacher I work with, but, since she's on the older side of the building, do not have much contact with. Earlier this year Sarah's younger brother passed away. I remember hearing about it through some of the other teachers and just feeling so helpless to offer any kind of support, encouragement, or words of strength. I'd never really lost anyone close to me before their time. When she returned to work I remember seeing her at a staff meeting and telling her that I was glad she was back and that I was thinking of her and her family. I'm sure she heard it from everyone... Well, yesterday Sarah came up to me during dismissal and handed me an envelope. I think I knew what was inside. It's almost like those of us who have lost someone so unexpectedly have some kind of common language (more about this in a moment). Anyway, her card, and the note inside, meant so much to me. She wrote about her experience with her brother's death just a few months ago, and shared that what I'm going through is completely normal, albeit painful. I feel so much better knowing that there won't always be this devastating pain whenever I think of you, Mom. Sarah's mom is a pastor, and I have been (I literally just wrote dying and then erased it) wanting to ask her about her views on Heaven and religion in general. I hope that, as we help each other through this school year, I can be more comfortable speaking about this stuff, rather than just writing it...

The second wise woman I've come to appreciate is a senior named Donna. I don't know what it is about this girl, but she just gets it. She's so wise beyond her years. I don't know what experiences she's had with death, but she recommended I read Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, which I've nearly devoured in four short hours. The fact that she would reach out to a teacher and share her views is great. I can definitely learn something from Donna as well. Kids (or young people, whatever you want to call someone who's 10 years younger than me) tend to see the world differently than us cynical adults. As a kid I never questioned my beliefs. Now I can't seem to stop. I suppose there are good and bad reasons to question religion, but I am glad that Donna is so strong in her convictions and can remain optimistic about our purpose here. Not many people, especially teenagers, can do that in our society.

The third woman I've found to be a life-saver is Jen. She is an online friend that I met over a year ago when I joined an online community for pregnancy. We've since become Facebook friends. When you passed away, I began sharing and Jen immediately shared her story. Her mother was killed in an automobile accident when Jen was just 13. I can't even imagine losing your mother at such an important age. Jen told me that, since then, every important event (her wedding, graduation, etc.) has had rainy weather. She feels that this is her mother's way of communicating and showing her presence at these events, in spirit if not in person. Sometimes I wonder if you are trying to communicate with me, to let me know that you're here. I always second-guess myself, which is why I really appreciated Jen's experiences. In the past month or so I've noticed that, when Logan and I are playing in his room, he often looks out the door and focuses for moments on the ceiling above the stairwell. There is a light there, but it is never turned on when we play, as it is in the afternoon and enough natural light comes through the windows. In my gut I've always felt that Logan has been able to "sense" you watching us play. But I don't know, maybe he's just really into unlit light fixtures... Jen was really the first person to reach out to me and share her story. As I told her, it's like a special club that we belong to. Nobody wants to join this club, and people start acting awkward around you once you're in. I think that's why I feel so connected to Jen and Sarah... they've been through this and have come out willing to help others who are deep in the beginning of the horrible experience.

The final person who has shared her wisdom is Jessica. We've worked together for several years now and have always been close. However, losing someone close to you so unexpectedly instantly brings you closer to others in the "club." During teacher week, Jessica and I went out to lunch and she shared the story of her best friend's death just a few years ago. Even though her loss was a few years back, she told me that there's not a day which goes by that she doesn't think of her. She, like the others, told me that there have been times when her best friend has "visited." Hearing so many people tell me about these visits does make me optimistic about the afterlife. Jessica also called me on my behavior as well. I do not feel comfortable showing any emotion in front of people. This is the main reason I am keeping this blog. Sharing this is, at times, hard. However, I want to be like the others who have helped me stay strong. Knowing that, at least these four friends are reading, makes me want to continue sharing, as they have done for me.