Writing so soon?

Dear Mom,

I tried to write another post, but I just couldn't. I broke down. This has been building up all week. I wish so much that you were here. I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Throwing myself into anything and everything just so I don't have to think about you just isn't working. By the end of the day I'm so exhausted and drained that I feel close to snapping.

I don't know if it's possible to convey in words how painful it is to wish for one last hug, one last moment with the person who gave you life, and to know that it's impossible. I try so hard to keep going, living my life how I was before, but nothing's the same. Everything has changed.

It's hard to realize that one's life will forever be measured by one event, but this is how my life will be. There will be the time before June 17, 2011, and the time after. My whole world literally was turned upside down.

On top of realizing this, I don't feel that I have a grip at all on any aspect of my professional life. I'm just going through the motions, trying to keep my head above water. I'm treading because I thought that would keep me busy, keep my mind off of everything. But I'm tired of treading. I'm questioning why I started treading in the first place. I'm questioning why I'm still treading, when I'm clearly not happy. I ask myself daily, "Why are you still treading when you don't have to?" I know radically changing my entire path in life is not ideal, but I feel that my path has already been detoured by a mudslide, an avalanche, and a flood. Now I've picked it up again on the other side, but I'm unsure if this is the right direction for me.

I know that's a lot of hidden messages, but those who know will understand exactly what I'm writing about. Basically I don't know what I'm doing, so why keep doing it...?

I wish you were here to give me advice. But, if you were here, I wouldn't be in this situation. I'd still be treading because I had to in order to survive. There would be no other paths, no other options.

I used to hate having fewer options. It made me feel stuck. Now I'd give anything to have only the one, keep treading.