It has been exactly two months since you left. Everything still seems surreal... and definitely much longer than two months.
My last post was pretty abrupt. I don't mean to say that I don't care about anything anymore. I mean to say that this whole ordeal has brought up so many questions about life and the purpose of it all. It's hard to focus, concentrate, and give a damn when I'm wondering if there is a Heaven... if God does exist... It's hard to stay positive and upbeat when there are these huge questions looming over me all the time. I wish I had answers. I wish I had some strong sense of faith, but I don't. I've always been the type to question everything, even if there's hard evidence to back it up. So, having no evidence at all, makes accepting a belief that much harder.
Where do we go when we die? What happens? Is everything predetermined? Is there even a God?
So when I put things into perspective, yes, it is a little hard to be the same person I was a year ago, or even three months ago. The closest person I had ever lost was my grandmother, who lived a full life and passed at 84. While her passing was definitely sad and painful, I felt content knowing that she was no longer in pain and had lived to see her children and grandchildren grown. Not exactly the same as a horrible accident at the age of 53, just six months after becoming a grandparent for the first time.
I just don't know what the purpose is anymore. What's the point? So I am here for a short time, procreate, get attached to people, then just leave? What's next? And, for that matter, what's AFTER the next phase? Does it just keep going?
I have no clue what I believe in anymore... I just don't think I can follow something blindly, hoping that it will all make sense in the end. This isn't some kind of TV show, like Lost, where I'm hanging at the end of the season. This is life... and it's really hard to give a damn when you have no idea why you're doing any of this in the first place.
i think the same things in life that make life not worth living are those that also makes it worth living. the uncertainity from day to day that makes us keep going but at the same time ask the question why are we here. going through the motions doing the same repetition of activities everyday not expecting anything out of the "norm" and then when something tragic happens we are left star-struck. So we want to know-what is next? Heaven? But what if we don't believe in God? Should we...every relationship is built from trust. from our relationship with a boyfriend to a brother we must be able to trust to stay in the relationship. So God isn't any different. We have to trust that He has taken our loved ones from this world only to put them in a better place. But how do we build that trust? How do we know God is real? Maybe all those times we get lucky....we are actually being blessed by Him. In school we have a mission, in our jobs we have a mission, in life we have a mission. Once complete, we move on. From what I can tell your mother was a person not like most others. Kind, loving, and didn't care who you were but she was always there to help. So perhaps her mission in life was to impact the lives of the people around her in a way that only she could do. So we take times like this and we grow to know God and do soul searching to figure out our personal mission in life in hopes to be as amazing as our role models!
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