Reality Doesn't Slow Down for Anyone

Dear Mom,

My first week back to school and I'm doing pretty well, albeit tired. You'd be glad to know that I only have 17 kids. Almost double the number of boys than girls; just like last year. When I'm at work, Adam watches Logan in the morning and then takes him to day care at one p.m. I pick him up after work. It's the church right around the corner and we really like it there. Yesterday Adam had a training all day, so Aunt Debbie offered to watch Logan in the morning and then dropped him off at day care for us. She said that Aiden and Andrew were calling Logan "cuz," which is just adorable. Did you know they'll all go to the same elementary?

I can't believe how much Logan's changed in just a few short months. He's so much taller now and so skinny - no baby fat or rolls at all. He's got lots of teeth and can crawl in a circle and scoot backwards.

Yesterday we took Logan and the dogs for a walk. We bought the pups a double leash, so it's much easier to walk with them. Do you remember when we walked all the way to Subway last year with them? I wonder, sometimes, if they miss you too.

Your co-worker Lorie helped me out by buying my students some school supplies. It was really sweet of her. I remember when we all went to Sahm's Bar and Grill. Lorie and I were joking about you having to move your office into the file room. It reminded me of Milton Wadams from Office Space.

Some days I still can't believe that all this has happened. It's like I still think I might wake up from this horrible dream. But then I remember that it's not a dream and that I've lost my mom, my very first best friend. It's still so hard and I wonder if it will ever get easier. I really don't know how anyone survives a loss like this. It's been almost two months and I am still in such pain that it just seems never-ending. Deep down I'm just so unhappy. I'm miserable. I really think the only thing that keeps me going is Logan. If it wasn't for him I don't think I'd get out of bed anymore. I think the pain would engulf me and stop me from living. Even now it's so easy to feel like I'm on the edge of complete depression. I feel like I'm teetering, and every day it's so easy to feed those negative feelings. By the end of the day I'm so mentally exhausted that I can't even function. My attitude, even during the day, is horrible. I find myself not caring about anything. I act like I do, but I don't. I don't care about my students. I have no connection to them this year, whereas last year I adored my class. I don't care to make friends with most of the new staff, whereas last year I was pretty social. I'm just going through the motions and trying not to get fired (honestly), but even that wouldn't really bother me. I really just don't care. The only reason I'm even still working is because I need something to take the focus off of my situation. I know I can't just sit around the house, but I can just go through the motions without any real feeling.

I think when you left us you took a piece of me with you. Without that piece I'll never be whole again. I'll never be the person I was... I miss that person. I didn't have to worry about all this estate and attorney stuff. I didn't have to go through the day being reminded that I no longer have my mom in my life. I had someone to talk to and call, someone to understand me and comfort me day or night. Now that you've taken that piece, I am only here. I'm not truly present in the moment. It's like when crabs and other sea creatures move from shell to shell as they grow larger. I'm an empty shell that's been left behind because a part of me has gone. Sometimes those shells will be filled anew, but more than likely they wash up on the shore, discarded and broken. Oh, how I wish you didn't leave me...