Mom,
I'm sick and tired of all this. I'm tired of having to call various companies (mortgage, car lease, utilities, etc.) and explain why the bill hasn't been paid. There are so many places to call and each time it takes three times as long as it should. I have to go through the stupid automated system to finally speak with some asshole who is rude every single time. Often I get someone who has no idea what the protocol is for a death. I have faxed a copy of your death certificate to just about everyone. The mortgage company claimed they never received it three times. Then they had me make up and fax a password. Why I couldn't do it over the phone, I have no idea. Not a single person has been helpful or even remotely decent to me. The insurance and mortgage people are the worst. Apparently to them we're just some numbers on a piece of paper. It hurts because not only do I have to call and explain myself over and over, but then there's just no emotion on their end. I just lost my mom and have no idea what I'm doing... couldn't you just go out of your way for a second to assist me in getting you the necessary paperwork? The worst was the car leasing company... They left a message, so I returned the call. The receptionist had NO IDEA who was handling the account and apparently didn't have a computer system to utilize. She literally said to me, "If you don't know the name of the person who called you, I can't help you." I had to wait for a few days until they called back before I could catch the representative's name.
The toughest, though, was yesterday's call. I had faxed paperwork to the mortgage company several times, and they kept claiming that it never went through. I faxed to TWO different numbers. Nothing. I called again to see if the paperwork had gone through from last week, and the guy on the phone was horribly rude. I told him that I had the transmission confirmations of all four faxes. I stated that all the other faxes I sent to other companies went through. I asked if he could help me out in any way, as I wasn't too excited to resend the paperwork again if it wasn't going to make it to the proper department. He was just so rude and told me that, "We're a company and everyone knows that a successful transmission notice doesn't mean it went through." I could tell he was getting irritated with me, but couldn't he imagine how I felt? I'm dealing with my mom's house and have sent you this paperwork MULTIPLE times. It's just disheartening to know that, sometimes, companies will just dick you around rather than help you out...
So after I hung up with the mortgage company asshole, I just broke down. I'm tired of having to deal with this. Every day I come home and there's a new stack of bills that have been forwarded from my mom's address. Each bill will take at least a 30 minute conversation and who knows what else... So instead of playing with my son or relaxing, I have to deal with these companies who could care less about me or my mom. I broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. I just needed to cry. It doesn't really make anything better, or different. I just needed to get the emotions out.
As I'm sitting there, sobbing all over my "first day of school" dress, my husband basically tells me to get up and go change into comfortable clothes and "man up". I know he was just trying to get my mind off of it, but, for the small time I actually let myself be sad and hurt, I need to be able to get it out and just be comforted. I just need to cry and be allowed to feel the pain. I already deny myself that enough. I hold it all in 90% of the time. But after a while I do break and it just has to come out. When I do allow myself to feel the pain, no matter for 5 minutes or just a few seconds, it is so unbearable that I also want to get over it and "man up" just so I don't have to feel anything again. But I can't because it's just so painful. It has to come out somehow and then I can function again... although hardly fully.
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